Over the past 3 or 4 years, I've been moving from state to state.  I usually didn't stay in one spot for  more than 6 months, with the exception of a year in Utah.  It's tough for me to stay in one spot for too long these days, but I'm sure it has a lot to do with how productive I am.  When I lived in Georgia with Jon, the first few days were fun and new and exciting, but as soon as the newness was gone, I felt like I was a stagnant pool of water.  A couch potato.  Dare I say it: a freeloader.  Once I got a job, the feeling was dulled, but I still didn't feel as if I was accomplishing anything.  Once I left and came to Arizona I had the new feeling again, even though the circumstances upon which I moved here were depressing and undesirable.  Now I kind of feel like a freeloader again, especially since I don't have a job and won't be getting one here.  It's good to know that I'll be moving once more, to New York City, where I know there are lots of things to do and much to be accomplished.  All of this musing has led me to the hypothesis that perhaps the closer I am to fulfilling my purpose, the less stagnant I will feel.  This can only be proved by how I use my time in New York and how I feel about it, and I will let you know once I find out.  Perhaps, through observing this hypothesis, I can ultimately discover what purpose I am meant to fulfill?

So, I'm in a bit of a situation.  I'm back living with my parents, which will always be unpleasant in some way.  They have usurped my independence and are back to telling me what to do and who to hang out with and when.  It is SO hard to go back to that after having lived "the free life".  Apparently I misunderstood their email of Terms & Conditions for my return.  What I understood was that they wanted me to respect them as parents, and that I totally agreed with.  After a recent mishap with them I reviewed the email and found that they had written "show respect to our wishes and role as parents", which basically means I'm 17 again for 6 weeks.  I'm not happy about it, but if it gets me a free college education, I think I'll try to stick through it.  Speaking of college, I think this Becker College in Massachusetts will work out well.  It's beautiful there and it's a small school with programs I think I will like.  It still bugs me that I'm so freaking far away from Jon, my love, but I must insist again and again to myself that college is the most important step to take at this point in time.  I want to be the person that I have the potential to be.  Jon deserves that too <3  Such a wonderful guy should have a wonderful girlfriend too, right?  I feel better about the relationship than I did even a couple days ago.  I think my talk with Jon about it helped.  But DAMN I want to see him again.  I often put my emotions before my progression in life.  I need to be more aware that the exchange of a close (physically) relationship for a college education that will ultimately push me forward in my independence, is a more than fair trade.  My heart has a hard time seeing it that way though.  I'm committed to the relationship though, and see it growing through these few years that lay ahead. 

I crave attention from the opposite sex.  It makes me feel good about myself.  It makes me feel sexy and wanted and powerful.  I know that a couple of years ago I craved it because I didn't feel sexy the rest of the time.  My self esteem is much much higher than it was back then.  I even have a boyfriend who I KNOW loves me.  So why do I get a rush from the attention I get from boys who are even 3 or 4 years younger than me?  Is it a reminder that I know I'm worth something?  Or am I still not confident enough to go without it?  Is attention from boys my security blanket?

 In my mind I know that I would not lose anything in life if I lost attention.  I would still be beautiful, smart, and funny.  I would still be me.  I would survive and, after I got used to the lackof this drug, I would thrive and progress further than before.  So why am I so afraid of losing this shallow addiction?

This has a whole lot to do with my recent post: "Attention".  I perform for membersof the opposite sex because I feel more secure when I do so.  The comment that gaia member "Jessica" gave me helped me see another reason that I might want to perform.  She said that it was like a mating ritual.  Now I feel kind of like one of those funny birds with a mating dance and stuff. ^.^

I often imagine myself being watched by whoever I want to see me.  For example, I might be in my room all alone, but doing something funny or cute so I would pretend that the guy I fancied was there or watching somehow.  Kinda silly, isn't it?

The age old question: Which religion will really save you?

I grew up Christian and have been almost forced into a black & white point of view that there is a Heaven and a Hell, and only one religion will get you to Heaven. This crushes me. Many of my friends are not Christian, and my current boyfriend is one of them. I love them all very much, but when i moved in with my boyfriend the pain of my “knowledge” became too much for me. The thought of this man I love so much being sent to a place so terrible for eternity….


I think I the hardest thing for me to deal with is knowing that the person I love is not a Christian. Have you ever felt a pain so searing? When you know that there is nothing you can do but pray and be there with information, you feel so utterly helpless. It might be selfish of me, but I don't want him to die and find out that I was right all along about the heaven and hell thing. I'm so desperate to save him, but I know I can't. He is the only one who can save himself. Jesus is the only one, really, but by accepting Jesus, you save yourself. I don't know how to deal with this pain. To love someone so dearly and know that they aren't safe is so torturous. And it's not just one person. SO MANY people I love are so adamantly opposed to Christianity, and nothing I say can convince them. I know they have to find it on their own. But I am just so freaking SCARED that they never will.

This is a conversation I had about this topic:

nachtschatten047 (10:36:25 PM): I'm just worried again nachtschatten047 (10:36:26 PM): about Jon nachtschatten047 (10:36:31 PM): I'm scared Firerose19 (10:36:37 PM): aw why? nachtschatten047 (10:36:52 PM): He doesn't beleive in anything really
nachtschatten047 (10:37:13 PM): and for a while, I was so scared to even beleive myself, because it would mean something awful Firerose19 (10:37:38 PM): mm….yeah. i'm so close to my dad and i really don't know if he's a christian
Firerose19 (10:37:55 PM): and my grandfather…i'm thinking no…..i dunno about my grandmother
nachtschatten047 (10:38:38 PM): I have to remind myself that there are no tears in heaven, and that i will be fine. But still how can I be happy in heaven if i know so many people who won't be Firerose19 (10:39:12 PM): yeah. i really really don't know Firerose19 (10:39:29 PM): it doesn't make much sense nachtschatten047 (10:42:01 PM): the only way is for me to forget my religion which is extremely counterproductive, or wait to see if he gets”saved” and do everything I can to help nachtschatten047 (10:43:21 PM): But here's my biggest problem. Religion pushes him away, and if I were the one to preach it, he would most likely break up with me, and I'm so selfish in that regard, so scared of that, that I back off
nachtschatten047 (10:43:32 PM): and choose the counterproductive option
Firerose19 (10:43:47 PM): yeah.
Firerose19 (10:43:54 PM): i have no idea how i would reach my dad Firerose19 (10:44:07 PM): i know he's heard so much from my mom Firerose19 (10:44:27 PM): and he just acquiesces to everything….but i just don't know that it's very real
nachtschatten047 (10:44:29 PM): But you're his daughter, if he hears it from you, it might mean something different? Firerose19 (10:44:30 PM): at all
Firerose19 (10:44:53 PM): maybe. but i don't know if he'd take it seriously. he's heard it form me and danielle since we were kids Firerose19 (10:45:04 PM): and he would tell us he is to reassure us Firerose19 (10:45:50 PM): and even though he started going to church again since he doesn't work that job that he worked on sundays anymore, i think it's more of a family thing to make my mom happy than anything else
nachtschatten047 (10:46:26 PM): hm..
Firerose19 (10:47:08 PM): i really haven't thought about it too much in a while, tho…lol…i feel like a bad person… Firerose19 (10:47:19 PM): but i'm just afraid of sounding like my mother
nachtschatten047 (10:47:30 PM): ignoring it puts up a wall, to pretend it isnt a problem
nachtschatten047 (10:48:03 PM): i've been very religiously ignorant for the past 4 months…