Started a new job today.  Working at the Oasis leisure club thing.  I'm a receptionist / attendant person.  People here are nice so I fell like I fit in well enough.  I'm a bit overdressed, but that's all OK I guess.  I'll be working every day from 10-5.  I have to get over my fear of answering the phone.  It's worse than public speaking to me.  This club is on the top floor and right next to central park, so it's got a grand view.  I've got a cold.  It's not too pleasant.  Achooo!  I'll probably start blogging more because there isn't too much to be done at this job.  That's actually nice.  Get paid to do almost nothing.  w00t.

Jon is as distant as ever, and in his words, he's been transient. 

Not much else... out for now.

THIS IS INSANE.

You women out there surely know the affects of premenstrual syndrome.  My biggest struggle is living through the deep mood swings that come before and during my monthly time.  I'm currently going through this rollercoaster ride of deep depression, anger, and crazy happiness once in a while.  The relationship I'm currently experiencing with my boyfriend Jon is, less than ideal in my eyes.  He and I have very different views on how often we should communicate with each other.  Jon tells me that he is much like a lone wolf and just doesn't like as much social interaction as most people, even with me, his girlfriend.  I love talking to him and tend to write him 3-4 little quip-like emails in a day, and I'm usually the one to call him.  Since I'm always calling him, he feels as if he has no need to call me since we've already talked (or we will soon because of my habit of calling so often).  That tends to bug me because I want to hear from him so, strangely... I end up calling him more, which frustrates him.  I have to consciously check how often I want to call him and hold myself back, which is HARD to do, because if I don't call him, it would probably take a week or two for him to call.  Ugh.  It's a bit tough.  This all ties into my PMS because I talked to him today and ended up crying just because he said he was disappointed with me for something I said a couple weeks ago.  It nearly tore me apart!  I want to make him happy.  I want to be good to him.  He's my darling baby.  Sometimes it's hard to recognize the line between love/affection and codependency.  *sigh*

I want most to be comfortable with my own life as it is right now.  Comfortable in my long distance relationship, comfortable with going to college in the next month, comfortable with being who I am, wherever I am.

I'm getting closer to achieving this, but I definitely am not there quite yet.

Keeping it pure.  It's so easy for us to use love for our own selfishness.  In our insecurity we seek attention, understanding, and approval.  Often we try to fill a hole in our live's by searching for love.  Codependency often results and love becomes a different creature entirely.  Sometimes it is hard to realize that love will come only when you have found love within yourself, when you have filled that whole with your own self-confidence and self-approval.  It is then that you will find your love overflowing to others and, consequently, returning back to you.

Wow.  A break.  Uhm... this is new.  Ok so apparently, I've done it again.  I was blinded by love, as I so often am, and looked right past the aspects of my relationship with Jon that are less than satisfying.  Good ol' Jon has been aware of them the whole time.

What a dumbass.

Me of course.

So, seeing this from a logical perspective, giving him time to think about what to do about this is perfectly reasonable.  I just let my fear get to me.  I write this blog for my future self, when I am not so rational.  I hope that this will be able to bring me back to the side of me that is understanding and OK with this. 

Phew!  Not to say that my logical mind isn't just as confused as my heart!

More about this later, I need to get some rest.

My dream last night was about Jon.  That's probably the worst dream I could have right now, because it was so wonderful.  I dreamt we were so perfect with each other, so madly in love, that nothing would seperate us.  In that dream we lived for every moment and pursued our dreams.  We did what life wouldn't let us do. I looked into his eyes and saw him looking back with the same passion I felt in my heart. 

I woke up and it all crumbled away.  I saw him for what he is right now.  I didn't want to.


He might come back to what he felt before, or he might not.  I hope he does, of course, because I love him.  I just don't know what he's thinking.  But I don't need to.  My job is to give him his space and let him figure out what he's thinking and feeling.  And then we'll see.

So far this week I've been able to keep myself sometwhat distracted from the pain of my dying relationship.  At least it feels like it's dying....  Anyways, I've been keeping myself as busy as a receptionist can, which, at Oasis, mean s I'm not very busy at all.  My savior has been internet communication.  I have no friends in New York City and I'm not entirely sure how to go about finding any, and so I occupy my time talking to people in chatrooms, on facebook, and gaia.  A lot of the poeple in the chatroom I frequent are complete strangers to me, but I find some sort of acceptance in talking to them.  I've even made a few new friends that i think will stay part of my life for a long time.  The problem is, I don't even find the chatroom or facebook entertaining anymore.  I'm trying to find happiness in a chatroom!  Oh my gosh!  I just don't know what else to do.  If I sit with myself I end up dwelling on my relationship as it is right now and I let it pull me down.  Even things I used to enjoy, like walking in Central Park and listening to music, leave too much space in my head for me to think about Jon.  I'm always thinking about Jon.  Blame it on my youth ^.~

I'm only 18.  Should I really be so invested in a relationship anyway?  Can I be strong enough to stay single if Jon decides we aren't going anywhere?  Will I just continue to date people until I'm old enough and mature enough to pick one for something long term? 

*to the tune of Oh Holy Night*   OH HOLY CRAAAAAP, MY LIFE IS SO CONFUUUUUSINNG!  WHEN WILL I SEE THAT IT'S ALL UP TO MEEE?

Victory is mine!  Hehe Stewie <3

I am succeeding!  I am totally doing a good job at not being overcome with helplessness!!1 WHOOOO!O!!!!!  I'm actually feeling fine at the moment and haven't been sad that much at all... Which is new, but nice.

Wow.

I guess I'm finally OK


<3

Snow, in all its splendor, falls much like a flock of birds will fly, being lifted and thrust by the wind in an elaborate dance.

When I meditate, I like to "travel" to a paradise I created for myself. I always "come in" to the paradise through the same "door" which is in a forest, by a large white rock. To get myself into a trance state, I focus on my senses in the world I've created. For example, I bend down and touch the dirt, imagining the feel and texture of every grain. I imagine the musty smell of the dirt. Then I touch the white rock, "feeling" its cold surface and the cracks in its surface. Then, naturally, I hug a tree, imagining the texture of its bark and the smell of its resin. Then, I make sure to "listen" to the sounds around me. The sounds of birds, water, creatures of the forest, songs that I love that surround me and describe the world I live in.
Then I start running. I know my way through the forest, I recognize every tree on my path, I touch them as I run by and greet them with the love I have for this world of mine. I come across a reflective pool, which has a waterfall at one end. Sometimes I dive into the water, which, for such a small pond, is as deep as the ocean, and I visit the underwater city that i have imagined. Other times I go through the waterfall into a tunnel which leads to an open field with golden grass and flowers. There is one very large and very old tree in the center of this field, which i sometimes will sit under. My spirit guide (black Pegasus) will come and fly me over acres of forest until we come to the ocean, where the stone people live. I will sit on the shoulders of these giant stone people and they will talk to me about life and run me up and down the sandy beach. There is a city to the North that I have not been to yet, but I am looking forward to creating it as I go.

This is a very relaxing form of meditation for me, as it is my vision of "A Perfect World".  I guess I'm just using my skills of imagination to relax me, like a child would do. ^.^

It can be frightening to embrace progression.  New experiences in life can be exciting and every experience can be learned from, but some adventures seem more dangerous than they actually are.  College is one of those experiences; at least for me.  I have yet to complete the required health record forms and only have 15 days or less to do so.  My nerves are sensitive these days.  Clearly, I will be learning a great deal in college, but i fear failure.  That is a choice I can make, yet I am afraid of my own decisions, which are notorious for being careless and impulsive. 


More on this later

I would like to learn how to look good in my roller coaster pictures.  Look at this! lol

:D

Seriously.  I feel like such an idiot.  I can't know until I actually try it out, but I feel like I made a horrible mistake. 

Walking home from work one day, i got caught (my first mistake) by a street promoter for a hair salon, offering "$400 worth of services for only $60 down plus $15 service charge".

Damn Elise, read the fine print FIRST, not AFTER.

I only had $30 on me at the time, but the promoter said "between you and me, I'll accept the 30 and give you the coupon"

Holy CRAP could it be any more obvious that this guy is NOT honest???


I'm not looking forward to finding out how much money I'm actually losing.  *whacks head on keyboard* dsfghoisuhfsdufhiahrfgihrgf;iShddhnerbhyfgtftgjkouloukyiklouiy8ty6tygiy

What would you do if the apocalypse came? Would you fight to survive, try harder to acheive your dreams before you died, or give up on life?

If the world were to come under one ruler, such as the hypothetical Anti-christ, or a group of dictators, what would you do? Would you choose to disappear, fight back, or give in?

Do you ever go to sleep depressed, hoping that when you wake up you'll feel better, and then you wake up and you feel just as bad as the night before?  It's those nights that I have the worst dreams. 

Have you ever felt your emotions physically?  It amazes me how literal the word "heartache" really is.  I find myself clutching at my chest and wishing I could take a Tylenol or something. 

Have you ever wondered what the point of love is?  If we can live without it happily (nuns and monks and hermits?) why do we even bother with relationships?  What are romantic relationships for besides reproduction?  If you love someone, but don't need to, should you?

If someone you love says that they love you, but doubts if a relationship is "worth it" or "necessary", how do you deal with that?  What if the relationship makes perfect sense to you?  How do you let go of something like that?  How can you understand them?  How can you just let them go when you think that they should stay?

How do you get yourself to keep food down when what you're hungry for isn't food?