I am having issues.  That's not what I'm going to talk about today, however.  Instead, I choose to talk about my mother's issues, and how they are affecting me.

"It would be nice to have some sort of a relationship with you," she says, after my insistence that I can handle taking a day off from work.  I have been feeling somewhat under the weather and decided to extend my weekend so I could fully recover.  Though she is my mother, and always will be, I am now the one in charge of my career choices and life decisions, right?  At least I should be.  Perhaps he is only attempting to give advice, but her methods are somewhat (ah and here's that word so often associated with mothers) "nagging".  I basically told her I just don't want to hear it.  Because I don't.  I'm smart enough to think through my actions, and if I make the wrong choice, I will suffer the consequences.  Not that I ever make wrong choices.

Over the weekend I had the same problem, overhearing her tell my dad that she would rather stay out in the country just so she could get away from me.  I had stayed in the house nearly that whole day while she and my dad were out at church, lunch and on the boat.  I barely saw her and yet the few moments I did, I apparently did something so terrible that it prompted her to consider staying in Milford.  All I remember doing was asking her how to use the washing machine....

My headache only seems to increase when she's around, somewhat defeating the purpose of staying home from work.  I'm definately going tomorrow.

The relationship between myself and two others.  I broke the trust of both involved and ended up losing one.  Thankfully, the stronger of the two relationships actually grew.

There was a minor upset in my personal life tonight.  It would not have bothered me so much if I had not been ruthlessly shamed.  It is of no fault but my own, however, I have never been much like rubber.  In fact, I think I may even be glue of the cyanoacrylate variety.  I remember very clearly one particular insult directed specifically at me in the seventh grade.  "Elise you're so annoying!" 

Not much to the casual observer.

Devastating to insecure little me. I am definately not rubber because it has stuck with me for 6 years.

Now, all these years later, a much more colorful insult, along with one of my own (that he openly agreed with) was thrown my way.  I'm trying hard to be rubber this time, and let it just bounce back off.  But being called a dumbass for breaking trust (even with a most untrustworthy guy) really hit me hard.  This man I speak of and I were chatting online when a random "So when are you gonna send me some more pictures?" comes up.  Now this man was not speaking of nature photography, or a baby album.  My past holds many insecurities and I often try to find acceptance in the wrong places.  I have been trying so hard to put that past behind me, and I am really doing a great job.  When this man asked, I said "No, I won't be doing that anymore. I've chosen to grow up."  He was outwardly receptive to the idea, and wasn't giving me any trouble, but when I copy/pasted the conversation to my friend to show him how well I was doing, he went behind my back to threaten and intimidate the man.  This is when the insults started coming.  The guy asks me, "Who is _______?" and I just blanched.  All I could say was "Oh no" and he replies with "you're a dumbass". 

I died.

I cursed at my close friend.

I threw a fit and felt as if my world was falling apart.

It was a very hard thing for me to deal with, but I'm forcing myself to see it how I should:  This man was not worthy of my presence, and I need no scum like him to make me feel wanted.